No matter how many systemic constellations I witness, facilitate or experience, I continue to be amazed at the unconscious loyalties we hold within family patterns.

  • Rejection of or by a father leading to inability to maintain a healthy partnership
  • Exclusion of a family member held as illness in the body
  • The bitterness from the early death of a parent leading to a craving for sweets
  • Secrets quietly held by parents resulting in burdens carried by children
  • Family separation held as inner conflicts within later generations
  • Disconnection from a parent leading to success in one facet of life and challenges in another

In some instances, the cause and resulting behavior are conscious. For instance, a child whose parent left, causes a child to feel rejected. It is a conscious choice for that child to reject the parent in return. However, in doing so they subconsciously cut themselves off from part of their lineage. In other situations, the cause and resulting behavior are buried; hidden like secrets.

The essential aspect to consider is…how can we start to change those patterns?

As in most transformational processes, we start by acknowledging what is. We explore the underlying cause of a physical symptom, of an inability to have healthy relationships, of living a split life with success in one area of our life and inability to succeed in another. The same is true when we look to make a change in an organization. We first need to understand the underlying cause of the problem and acknowledge what is to gain a clear perspective.

Next we look at whether we can accept what is. As a reminder of the importance of acceptance, here is the following quote from the I Ching. “It is only when we have the courage to face things exactly as they are, without any self-deception or illusion, that a light will develop out of events, by which the path to success may be recognized”.

After seeing the “light” we need to assess our willingness to look at what we can do differently. The steps we take to move outside of the family pattern can be seen as stretching the family system. Sometimes those moves happen in small steps and other times they are big steps that may cause a break in the family system. One example is when you hate a parent, consider that without them you wouldn’t exist. When you can see nothing good about an incident that happened to the family, shift focus to look for the gift of courage, strength or resilience, among others.

Everyone has a family and we carry the emotional DNA and resulting patterns with us into our interpersonal relationships, our career paths and choices, and how we value ourselves in terms of money and self-care, among others. Consider for a moment the patterns, hidden loyalties, secrets and burdens you might be carrying from your own family.

Curious to learn more about how they influence your daily life or business, then contact me to schedule a systemic constellation session.

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